Introduction
Poker. Simple word. Simple game. Vegas style. Family style. High stakes. Low stakes. A friendly game or a game so serious it makes you sick to your stomach. There are all kinds of incarnations, but the intention of this guide is to concentrate on a unique style of poker, as it is played during a six week period in August and September each year, on a little piece of heaven (un poquito de cielo) known as the Estrada Ranch.
The knowledgeable reader might ask, "What would be the necessity of a guide for a pastime with such a long and admittedly rich tradition, an already established set of customs, rules and characters?" It is true that, for so many years now, it has seemed that there was no need for explanation or review, for discussion of the rules or nuances of the various games. Certainly, to my recollection, there haven't been any substantial problems with intangibles such as attitude or etiquette. Until now.
Opening weekend of deer season, 1994 was memorable, as always. The festivities were rewarding. The rituals, carried out commendably. The mood, jubilant. The bonding, inevitable. With one small exception. I think if you look back, comb your memory, search your soul a little bit, or maybe just check out the cover of volume 2 of your edition of last year's Ranch News, you'll recall that shortly after dusk, in the formative stages of the traditional poker game, in place of the normally refreshing sense of camaraderie and goodwill that would begin to wash over the multitude, there was something else present- noticeable tension at the table.
Oh, we carried on. We looked the other way. We made do. We even made light of the problem. Well, we're not going to do that this year. Behind all the machismo of poker playing there is a delicate balance that must be maintained. Without some minimal willingness by all the participants to engage in a little 'poker therapy' right now, the very fabric of the game is threatened. I think that the problems of last season stem directly from a basic misunderstanding of some of the elemental, social concepts that have developed over the years and how they relate to the unfolding tapestry of each hand.
This guide attempts to cover only the very rudiments of some obvious areas of concern that came to mind during the off-season and should not be taken as an exhaustive study. It is a very subjective view, narrow in scope, of a limitless topic. But it's a start. Let's all look at last year's aberration as a blessing and try to learn something for once.
Seating Arrangement
Let's begin at the beginning. First you have to sit down at the table. You think, "It doesn't matter where I sit. It's all the luck of the cards." HAH! Selecting a position at the table could be your best move of the evening or the worst decision you've ever made in your life. The choice is ultimately the individual player's of course, but if you just contemplate the simple guidelines that follow, you might avoid a disaster.
-Always position yourself facing the center of the table. Never have your back to the pot, otherwise everyone can see your cards. I know this sounds painfully obvious to most, but believe me, I just helped someone.
-Never sit to the left of a known bushwhacker. (This topic is covered in more detail in the chapter on Bushwhacking) He'll never go in until you do, just when you think you've got a nice little cleanup hand. IF you want to screw him up, sit on his right. When you deal and everyone checks (including him, of course) around to you, sigh and fold winners. On second thought, maybe it's best to not sit on either side of him.
-Never sit closest to the door or you'll be getting John a Budweiser every eight minutes
-Never sit between Billy III and Kevin. One of them always wins big and then doesn't come back until closing weekend. Of course that's irritating wherever you sit, but there's no reason giving them both the pleasure of your company.
-Never sit behind Chris
-Don't sit at the end of the table closest to the stove. That's where the foreman sits.
-Don't sit to the right of the foreman. That area is reserved for Portuguese Nationals.
-Don't sit to the left of the foreman. That's where I sit.
I know this doesn't seem to leave a lot of options, but if it was easy, well then, everyone would be doing it. Let's move on to cover some of the social graces.
General Poker Etiquette
Etiquette?
Poker is a manly game, you say. You sit around and belch. Your fart. You drink.. You throw your money out there and you get good hands. You don't need to worry about how to act because there aren't any women around. Well, hold it Bub and take it down the road, because poker, as it is played on the Estrada Ranch is a gentleman's game.
Everyone, I will presume, knows the basics of dealing clockwise, offering the person on your right a cut of the cards, betting out of turn and shuffling a maximum of 3 times (with the exception of the Portuguese shuffle of course, which allows time for a nap, pee break and reading of a short novel) but did you know that:
-It's rude to laugh out loud at another player's hand when they've made an honest mistake like throwing in a pair of aces on two-low guts. I mean, if one ace is low, two should be twice as low, right? Remember, to the sensitive gamesman, each hand is like on of his own children, big ears and all, so show a little common courtesy. Just take your money and shut up
-It's also not appropriate to call a player's hand who has made this, or some similar, honest mistake (possibly several times), the very next time he goes in. This shows a lack of respect and could very well lead to some hurt feelings and, eventually, tension at the table.
-It is no longer acceptable for players named Eric to call the hand of players named Don every time players named Don throw their hand in. This may have once been considered a useful tactic during a reckless, bygone era - players named Don have, for all intents and purposes, discarded the bluff strategy in favor of total honesty and I would now strongly discourage the automatic call in these situations… It's, simply, bad form.
-Once should never disrupt the flow of cards by dropping out of a hand inexplicably early. If you're unsure of the timing, it's perfectly acceptable to ask for an immediate ruling, either of the foreman or the person to his right or left. Be confident that counseling will be swift and fair.
-The "dealer's choice" style of play is employed for all games at the Estrada Ranch. Along with the obvious freedom this allows, comes some responsibility. Ti is important to exercise some restraint in the selection of games, especially at the onset of play. A traditional game such as five-card stud or draw should be selected as the opening hand. (See the following chapter for descriptions of individual games.) It is not necessary to play a hand of guts during the opening round. As the evening progresses, it will degenerate soon enough into this stripped-down and addictive form of play. Dealing 'no-peek' or 'acey-deucy' at any point in the opening round is punishable by a fine- Murray will be informed that you're a Mormon.
Glossary of Games
Five Card Draw- Traditional poker, seldom played, not enough betting or excitement, but good for an occasional breather after someone who's already been winning all night sucks up a forty dollar pot
Low-Ball Draw- Same as above but try to avoid getting a pair. There are times along about the end of the night that you'll wish you had been playing this game exclusively. Keep in mind that low-ball, in all it's forms is the only game where the joker is totally wild.
Three Low-Two Draw - Portion of a low-ball hand, you get an extra draw. Just enough to throw away some more money or let someone draw out on you when you're sitting on a decent 6-4. Stupid game. One of three portagee favorites.
Five Card Stud - Purest form of poker. The "gentleman's game". Featured in the classic poker movie, The Cincinnati Kid, with Steve McQueen, Edward G. Robinson, Ann Margaret and Karl Malden. One down, four up, all betting, no bullshit.
Seven-Card Stud - Interesting version of the original with more betting, a lot of dealing. Not for those with short attention spans (approximately 95-98% of opening weekend clientele fits this description). Note: Beware of bastardized versions of this game such as 'high- spade- in- the- hole' and 'low-spade-in-the-hole' splits the pot or 'high-low' or the dreaded 'no-peeky' (see below) which are nothing but lottery-style perversions initiated by sadistic unfortunates with anal fixations.
Low-Ball Stud- Played primarily in the five-card version. A highly entertaining form of the gentlemen's game where it's never over until the last card's out. It's a lot like Russian Roulette. One of the author's personal favorites. Hint: Don't be afraid of the ink.
No-Peek - Played in five and seven-card versions. All cards dealt down. They call this poker! You're required to bet on your cards and everybody else's but you don't get to look at your cards until everyone else has. Silly and costly. A favorite of derelicts and near-sighted Mexicans with a taste for Southern Comfort.
Guts- Most nights, all the aforementioned games are pretty much window dressing for several rounds of the various version of this game. It almost deserves it's own chapter. This is poker stripped to it's bare essentials. No frills. No betting. Easy to deal. Played primarily in tow and three card versions, high or low. One common misconception about Guts is that it allows certain individuals to buy or attempt to buy a hand. This is a myth. It's sort of like the Jackalope of card playing. Let's look at it this way: If a person throws his cards in a d no one calls him and he takes his rightful earnings, well he obviously had the best hand. I mean who would knowingly go in with a weak hand? Conversely, if someone goes in mistakenly with a poor hand and gets beaten, well he certainly didn't buy that one did he? This is not a betting game, it's a talking game. It's psychological warfare. It's also a bushwhacker's game. The last two chapter of this book attempt to equip you with the tools you'll need to have a fighting chance in this one.
Acey-Duecy & Twenty One - These are not poker games. These are exercises in desperation. These are the other two portagee favorites and are only played to keep him happy so he'll stay and cook.
Table Talk
Somewhere in the course of a typical session of poker, most players feel the need to comment on another player's hand or question their intentions. It's only natural to be curious, particularly in the game of Guts. In the pat there has been some disagreement on what should or shouldn 't be said or asked of another at the table. What is appropriate?
For some reason, many players show a reluctance to be truthful.
I've never understood this. For instance, as it comes to me in a two-low guts game, before I decide, I might ask the person to my left, "Are you planning on going in?" To which I'll generally receive a sodden smirk of some sort or uncourteous laughter. This is unnecessary. Remember, there are no inappropriate questions, only inappropriate responses!
If, at times, you're not sure what to say, just remember also that honesty is the best policy. I'll often declare a pair as I throw in my cards in three-high guts so that I don't cause undo financial hardship on some unsuspecting player who otherwise would have no idea what to do. Of course the naturally untrusting types will jump in anyway. I suppose this< is partly because I may have occasionally mistaken cards that were similar in color and pattern, for pairs, when they actually weren't. Incidentally, I've done that and not been called and, realizing my mistake, wanted to be truthful but, seeing the relief on the faces of players who thought that they had actually been beaten by a decent pair, I just couldn't let them down.
The important thing is to keep a healthy social interaction
going. We must never let the game fall into a downcast, vitriolic affair, the likes of last year. We need to express ourselves. Tony, if you see that Lamont has 4 cars to a straight in five-card stud, just look him in the eye and ask him, "Did you get the straight?" It's ok. You never know until you ask. I'll often throw it out to the whole group if I need help. I may have a 9 or a 10 in two-low whereupon I'll ask, "Can anybody beat a 10?" I expect some response that isn't hurtful.
Let's all vent those emotions. Don't keep them pent up inside.
And don't labor under the false impression that poker is a liar's game, a deceitful game. After all is said and done, you might as well just be< honest because who the hell's going to believe you anyway?
Bushwhacking
When the game of Guts was first imported to the Estrada Ranch around 1980, a new life form was spawned - the bushwhacker. The game, although at once elemental and stimulation, allows a person of limited intelligence and sensitivity, the opportunity to not only win a poker hand but to lure others into losing a poker hand, thereby increasing his depraved enjoyment many fold. This is the unfortunate by-produce of an otherwise perfect game. Simply, put, the whacker, not satisfied with merely collecting a nice pot, checks his bet with clear winners and then throws in with glee, in order to see someone suffer. Interesting or reprehensible? You be the judge.
The purpose of this chapter is no instructional. We don't need a table full of these types. I merely want the reader to be aware of the profile, the modus operandi, the early warning signs because these things mutate and spread. I've seen it happen.
He's been described as a diesel, squashing helpless rabbits in the road. I see him more like one of those big ugly fish that you see on a National Geographic special when they go down about two miles, onto the ocean floor and shine lights for the first time in history and there he is, back in a hole in the rocks, waiting. Because a bushwhacker will wait forever for that one sick moment of satisfaction. His desire is not winning money, that's just his excuse.
A bushwhacker is a bit like an evil genius - so full of promise at one time, but then something clicked in his perverted spider web of a mind and now the ordinary flow of cards, of winning and losing, no longer interests him. He needs blood.
The whacker has wide-set, beady eyes. His gait is clumsy, yet purposeful. He smokes, yet cautions others not to. He wakes at 9:00 am on opening weekend, borrows a gun, belt, pants, knife and kerchief, pukes at the flagpole and walks fifty feet down the road to shoot a deer that others have hunted out of the hills. You might recognize him.
To be honest, almost everyone has tried their hand at the bushwhack occasionally. But few have what it takes to sustain a career of it - a diseased mind. We need to keep a close watch on a few relative who are beginning to show some of the telltale signs and counsel them before it' s too late. Or maybe they'll just devour each other.
Philosophy & Epilogue
On the Estrada Ranch and on the greater expanse of the Santa Margarita Ranch, the focus of activity is on the forces of nature, the flow of time, the elemental struggle of life and death.the hunt. If you only think of the experience as a barbeque, a poker game, a 48 hour liquorfest, a trophy kill, well you're selling yourself and all of us short and you'll get what you bargained.
I suggest you look a little deeper. Pay attention to detail. When you're out in the hills, look for the signs along the trail. Go where the deer go. Do what the deer do. Be like the Indian - quiet and strong. Stealth and perseverance are the keys to a successful hunt, especially for the elusive suitcase buck.
And when you're at the poker table, be sensitive. Be kind. Get in touch with your feelings. Avoid spite. Avoid harshness and rancor. Treat the game with respect and try some of the principles I've suggested. And remember, just as in baseball. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it 's how you play the game.
My fondest hope is that this little guide will bring some joy to
the table this year.
-Dedicated to the guy who's never bought a hand. Bill Estrada II
