1. Who drinks the most beer?
John 62% - Kevin 23% - Billy 8% - Donnie 8%
2. Who drinks the most hard liquor?
Murray 46% - Bill 15% - Kevin 15% - Leo 15% - Frank 8%
3. Who eats the most per meal?
Kris 62% - Billy 8% - Kevin 8% - Matt 8% - Tony 8% - Frank the Dog 8%
4. Who makes the most noise?
Billy 54% - Kris 23% - Frank 15% - Tony 8%
5. Who cooks the best barbecue?
Kevin 77% - Bill 15% - John 8%
6. Who is the best cook overall?
Bill 27% - Donnie 18% - Harry 18% - Billy 9% - Kevin 9% - John 9% - Leo 9%
7. Who makes the most noise when asleep?
Kevin 54% - Donnie 14% - Billy 8% - Kris 8% - Frank 8% - Tony 8%
8. Who’s the guy you don’t want to follow after he leaves the outhouse?
Billy 33% - Kris 33% - Glenn 8% - Murray 8% - Donnie 8%
9. Who’s the best sober horseshoe player?
Billy 42% - Bill 26% - Kevin 8% - Glenn 8% - John 8% - Eric 8%
10. Who’s the best drunk horseshoe player?
Billy 25% - John 25% - Bill 18% - Kevin 8% - Glenn 8% - Matt 8% - Tony 8%
11. Who tells the best stories?
Murray 62% - Bill 22% - Glenn 8% - Lamont 8%
12. Who’s the guy who will cleanup (dishes, etc,.) without a question?
Kevin 30% - Bill 15% - Matt 15% - Kris 8% - Eric 8% - Leo 8% - Amos 8% - Carson 8%
13. Who’s the nicest guy?
Edsel 18% - Eric 18% - Matt 18% - Big Bill 9% - Bill 9% - Billy 9% - Leo 9% - Donnie 9%
14. Who’s the guy you’re mostly likely to throw your cards in after?
Donnie 38% - Kris 15% - Bill 15% - Glenn 8% - Matt 8% - Leo 8% - Rich 8%
15. Who’s the guy you don’t want throwing his cards in after you’ve thrown in?
Glenn 54% - Kris 14% - Bill 8% - Matt 8% - Frank 8% - Rich 8%
16. Who’s the best Guts player?
Bill 33% - Glenn 25% - Carson 17% - Kevin 8% - Leo 8% - Lamont 8%
17. Who’s the best overall poker player?
Donnie 50% - Carson 18% - Bill 8% - Billy 8% - Kris 8% - Kevin 8%
18. Who makes the best hiballs?
Bill 50% - Carson 26% - Kevin 8% - Glenn 8% - Leo 8%
19. Who is the quietest guy in camp?
Glenn 25% - Eric 25% - Cam 18% - Kevin 8% - Matt 8% - Tony 8% - Lamont 8%
20. Who is the most notorious Dick Smither?
Donnie 45% - Big Bill 19% - Leo 9% - Tony 9% - John 9% - Glenn 9%
21. Who would take any drink or eat any food put in front of him?
Matt 35% - Kris 17% - Big Bill 8% - Bill 8% - Billy 8% - John 8% - Amos 8% - Cam 8%
22. Who is the best puker at the ranch?
Frank 50% - Glenn 25% - Billy 17% - Leo 8%
23. Who’s the best dressed?
Tony 43% - Leo 17% - John 8% - Murray 8% - Harry 8% - Rich 8% - Amos 8%
Summary of Results
First, this is an unofficial survey conducted mid-afternoon on Saturday of the 2012 opening weekend. Those voting were subjected to extreme conditions of exhaustive heat and liquor. There were no instructions given other than to enter the name of the person that you thought best fit the category. The voting group aged from 10 years old to too damn old and the results are not meant to be offensive or an indictment to those individuals noted. Enjoy the results and at the next rendezvous at the Ranch consider this:
If you're looking for a place to sleep, you might try to stay away from Kevin. But if you want some barbequed tritip and help cleaning up you better take him a drink because he’s the top vote getter in those categories.
If you’re looking for a lot of noise, need a horseshoe partner (sober or drunk), then Billy’s your man. Just don’t go to the outhouse after he’s been up there because he’s the least likely guy to follow after a good crap, or any other time.
I don’t think it took any vote to realize that Kris, by sheer volume, could out eat a grizzly bear coming out of hibernation. And like his cousin, he’s another guy whose crap is lethal; probably due to the lack of beans in his diet.
If you want some peace and quiet, hang around Eric and Glenn. Despite their appearance, they are relatively harmless and peaceful souls. And Eric was voted as one of the nicest guys in camp but that changes quickly if you accidently short him on a highball. And I’d be careful if you toss your cards in on a hand of Guts with Glenn right behind you. He may be quiet but you’ll hear a lot of noise from everyone else as he guts you with the delicacy of an elk horn.
Hide you bottle if you’re around Donnie. He learned from the master, Big Bill, but has elevated the art of Dick Smithin to a gold medal level. I don’t think anyone has actually seen him Dick Smith by his account because he has an imaginary friend who’s always joining him. He’s a pretty good card
player according to the vote, but he plays more hands than any of the other “gutless bastards” sitting around him…and just to keep the game going.
Want to cook a new meal, create a new hiball, Matt is you man. Put a plate of anything in front of him complimented with a “wounded buck” or some alcoholic nightmare, and he’ll devour it all with a smile…yeah a smile. You see, he is also one of the nicest guys in camp along with Eric, and just
enjoys the opportunity to eat and drink anything with the crew.
Now there are a couple of Scotti’s you should pay attention to….and they move in opposite directions. First, if you are looking for style and fashion, then check out the elder Scotti, Tony. He and his trend setting son, Leo, were voted 1st and 2nd best dressed in camp. And who could deny that Tony’s opening weekend slacks, patent leather shoes, and straw hat wasn’t the buzz around camp and in the fashion world. Unlike his dad, Frank’s talent lacks style. There isn’t much grace in puking your guts out for the entire weekend. But damn it, you got to give him credit, he was the best in that category. Good going Frank.
And lastly, if you want a guy who can cook you a good meal, make you a nice hiball, and play a little Guts, then the Foreman is your man. He’s a nice guy, just don’t ignore him or his rules.
